Health, Grace, and Asking

I don’t know how to make my health history concise enough for a readable blog post (being concise is not one of my fortes). Quick basics: I was diagnosed with type-1 diabetes when I was 10, and around puberty things started go haywire and it stopped being “manageable”. It’s lead to a whole plethora of other conditions, many of which remain undiagnosed in spite of a batteries of tests… and as much as part of me wants to explain, the point of this post isn’t to detail my medical history, but rather to express my current state.

[I’m not at all opposed to talking about them or explaining for anyone who cares, so please ask me if you’d like to know more at any point.]

I will begin by saying that I am abundantly blessed and have been given more than I could ever ask for. I know that life isn't "fair", but not because I lack: rather, in the grand scheme of things, the scales lean heavily in favor of "grace" in my life. But right now I'm in pain and I'm struggling, and that's real. So in danger of being "messy", here we go:

I’m tired, and I hurt. I feel discouraged. Over the years, fear, hopelessness, and addiction lead me to “give up” and sometimes try to ignore my physical body and the issues that I should have been caring for. It was just easier to escape to the spiritual and mental realms, which have always felt natural to me instead of to engage with the pain and fear that I was dealing with in my physical body. The weight gain that came along with the issues (combined with other social factors, of course) led me to develop an eating disorder called “diabulimia” [which will likely be it’s own post at some point, but see here if you’re curious: http://life.salon.com/2007/11/08/diabulimia/ ], which only deepened and worsened the cycle. Praise God, He brought healing and freed me from that hell of a prison!

After years of yo-yoing up and down, back and forth, getting better and regressing, I finally decided that it was time for a new phase in my life several months ago. Yes, much of what’s gone on with my body has been beyond my control and wasn’t asked for, but sometimes I didn’t do everything I could to take care of myself. I acknowledge that I am precious to God, and my body is a part of Jesus’ body. I wept and decided to take care of myself the same way I would as if I was caring for the body of Christ himself, because isn’t that essentially what I’m doing? God may choose to take me from this planet early. He may choose to give me conditions that limit my physical capabilities. But if I am limited physically, it won’t be because I didn’t do everything in my power to be well. If my life is short, it will be because He wants me Home sooner, not because of any neglect on my part.

So yay! Being back home and graduated, I dedicated the full measure of my energy to the pursuit of health in all areas. And I improved! Seeing my doctor multiple times a week, taking scrupulous notes, eating super clean… I improved enough that my doctor said I could start exercising more and developing physical strength again. I love working out! I just feel so much better when I do. My energy was great, I felt mentally alert, my hair stopped coming out in handfuls, my chronic inflamation went down, and being emotionally and mentally healthy suddenly came naturally instead of requiring constant prayer and concentrated effort...

Oh, my physical ailments also effect my mental and emotional health. Uncontrolled blood sugar inhibits serotonin (which makes you feel good) production in the brain and leads to chemical depression. Two of my conditions both list “emotional instability, outbursts of anger, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and mental fogginess” as symptoms… hahaha. Sounds like a prescription commercial, doesn’t it? Most of the time I felt like I kept these things “under control”, but my family and those closest to me got the worst of it (as is often the case), and I didn’t realize how much it had been affecting me until I improved… my parents said they had their sweet Jazzy back, and I was happy almost all of the time, instead of just on occasion! Although I think I'm a generally cheerful person and I really hate masks, I was quite sad most of the time for many years. Even good friends who never thought I had a problem commented on how well I seemed to be doing. I think that emotional stability is primarily a spiritual issue, and God has brought so much healing into my life in that arena, but feeling cruddy all the time makes it hard to be the peaceful, self-controlled delight that I would like to be (and who I believe God wants me to be!)

So if it got better, why this post? Well, I’ve hit a bit of an obstacle. I’m still working at taking care of my body, but I don’t feel very good. I’ve been in copious amounts of pain the past couple weeks, pain so bad that it’s very hard to sleep at night and function during the day. While I was just telling someone the other day that I was pleased to learn that I could still be stable, pleasant, and consistent with my family in spite of the pain, I’m now feeling the effects of the pain get to me. It’s hard not to snap. It's hard to control my emotional urges, and keep sharpness out of my voice when I feel frustrated. I feel discouraged: the constant effort and sacrifices wouldn’t be a problem if they left me feeling good, having good test results, or at least seeing some improvement! But to keep trying and feel worse and not looking much different… it makes me feel like giving up sometimes. But I know that won’t help either, so I just feel stuck.

First and foremost, I’m asking for prayer: prayer for strength to keep going, wisdom to know what’s going on and what to do, relief of pain, and perhaps above all, GRACE: Grace that is sufficient enough to help me be the person I am created to be and shine for God no matter what the circumstances or how I’m feeling.

But I think I also want to be bold: “healing” has been a touchy subject for me, since growing up I felt like I must not have enough faith—otherwise, I wouldn’t be sick, right? Type 1 Diabetes is technically an incurable disease, and I don't even know what else is wrong with me, but nothing is impossible for God, right? I prayed and prayed to be better, have more faith, cried apologies for all the ways I'd fallen short… and ended up weeping outside of a faith-healing conference at 13, deciding that healing was not meant for me, and that it was a notion best pushed aside so that I could function without guild and feelings of unworthiness.

I don’t believe that my sickness is due to my lack of faith. I think that God has His purpose, and has been growing me, teaching me, strengthening me… But I want to be healed. At the very least, I want to be able to manage my conditions. I don’t want to be held back from living life to it’s FULLEST. I don’t want to waste days lying in bed because I feel like I can’t get up, having a hard time getting things accomplished, and feeling emotionally depleted and exhausted, and falling asleep while I’m trying to read my Bible or journal. I don't want to avoid going on a Hollywood sign hike with my Cirlces group because I don't know what kind of day it will be for my body, and I'm scared that I'll end up being a burden or holding people back. I want to be FULL OF LIFE. I don’t want all my energy to be spent merely functioning, I want my energy to go into loving God and people, serving others, praising the Lord, and being a part of His Kingdom here on earth! That is what I want. So I am boldly going to ask that, if it’s the will of God, you would pray that my body would be fully, miraculously healed.

Jesus healed. Jesus came that we would have life, and have it to the full. I believe that He can heal me… and whatever part of me doesn’t, help me to overcome my disbelief! Perhaps He wills that His grace is sufficient in spite of my ailments, and whatever the case may be, I want to go on serving Him without bitterness and without condemnation that it’s because I “lack faith”. But at the same time, if I “have not”, I don’t want it to be because I “asked not”. So, this is me asking.

For anyone who read this far, thank you so much for your patience and support : )

Let us come boldly to the Throne of Grace...