My Shortest Blogpost Ever: Show Them

I was praying for someone I know while driving to work this morning.


"God," I said, "please help them to know that they are loved. How they are loved. Help them to feel it."


I wasn't really expecting a response, but a familiar voice spoke in my heart:
"Good prayer. Now show them." 


I can hope for people to know the love of God, I can pray for them to taste His goodness and catch a glimpse of how adored they are, and those are good things to do. I can even tell them with my words how much the Lord loves them, and that I love them, too. But clearly, the call doesn't end there: I am called to show them. In thought, but not only in thought. In word, but not merely in word. In action and in truth, I am called to show them.


Let's show each other, and let's show them. 

Roots and Wings

Awake, looking for another way to get back home

Life, resurrected, swallowed death made us whole
In the recesses of your heart where love will grow
Heaven give us roots and wings and lead us home

-Our Communion, David Crowder Band

Roots and wings. Yes. We need both, don't we?

Some moments, I just want the wings. When the ground beneath me feels so unstable, and the ramifications of the fall reverberate strongly throughout my being. I just want to fly away, to soar above all the mess and the brokenness and the heart-wrenching separations. I'm tired of the fighting: my addictions, of fighting each other, of fighting the darkness. I'm so tired of fighting my "flesh"-- All the parts of me that still aren't submitted to God's will and beautiful intentions for His creation.

But I need roots. God might not want me to be of this world, but He wants me to be in it. In the world, but rooted: established, grounded, unshakable, connected, letting life flow through. I need to be rooted in God: rooted in love, rooted in Christ, abiding in the True Vine and blossoming into what I was created to be. This world is broken, but it is beautiful. This world is broken, but it is being redeemed. I am broken, but I am beautiful. I am broken, but I am redeemed. And God is gently and lovingly teaching me how to live in that redemption.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and build up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were aught, overflowing with thankfulness." -Colossians 2:6-7

"Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, by blood runs weak

And let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes, discerned, my hands to learn."

-Below My Feet, Mumford & Sons

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong."

-Ephesians 3:16-17

I do need those wings, to lift my spirit above the murk and the muck, and to help me be the sort of creature who's so close to God that His light just radiates out of me. But tonight, I need to be reminded to reach my roots down and sink in, so that love can grow. Let's keep learning, and let love grow.

In Action and In Truth

I think we all know that what we say, even what we say we believe, has very little weight and value if it's not cohesive and consistent with what we do-- even what we do when it comes to "little things", because that's where character is built. And God should be reflected in and glorified the choices I make when no one is watching, or what I do when no one is "holding me accountable": the quiet time I dedicate to seeking God and just sitting in his presence, studying the Word, worshipping behind closed doors. I need to be disciplined enough to get up when my alarm clock goes off, to keep records for my health statistics, to check items off my to-do list instead of pointlessly browsing facebook or tumblr!

And I need to honor my commitments. When I joined Circles, I said I would do my best to post a blog entry every week. I openly confess that I have not done so. I haven't even come close! I really like blogging and I find it to be quite rewarding, but I haven't followed through in taking the time to write out the posts. I have about five started drafts! But that doesn't do anyone much good, doesn't? So for the remainder of Circles, I am re-comitting to at least one blog a week! That should be do-able. I would also like to start memorizing the Sermon on the Mount again-- something I haven't done in weeks. I apologize to my fellow slices for this failure on my part, and I apologize if I missed out on reading and commenting on any of your blogs, because I'm sure I was missing out on an awesome chance to grow in wisdom. Please forgive me, and let's finish strong : )

But another, happier note on Circles: I AM SO PROUD OF MY FELLOW SLICES. Seriously, you guys:

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." -1 John 3:18

A lot of us started out talking about how much we "loved" each other, right? And everything was so encouraging and Holy-Spirit-Sparkly and we were on a little communal honeymoon in the land of milk and honey. And that was awesome! But then, over the past several weeks, things started to change. It got harder to love each other in some situations, some feelings were hurt, and we were threatened by division and burnout. And you know what that gave us the chance to do? To love each other in actions and in truth. It's easy to "love" when things are going along swimmingly and everything is fun, right? But love, real love, is hard. What is asked of us in the oft-quotes 1 Corinthians 13? Let's Message-it for some freshness:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

That stuff sounds pretty when you read it at a wedding, but that is HARD. And most of the world will give up on love once it gets too hard or doesn't benefit them, as thought it must not really have been "right". But that's not what God's love does, and that's not what we're called to do. If we love beyond words and in action and in truth, when fleshly love would have vanished, we learn about love really means. And how rad is it that God took what Satan meant as something to divide us and tear it down and made it something to help mature our faith and teach us more about what it means to live in community and love on another?! Seriously, my dear brothers and sisters, the perseverance, humility, and kindness that you (hopefully we!) have show to one another brings such gladness in my heart. It is a blessing to be doing life with you all, and a joy to know that we'll be walking from here into eternity. Let's keep pressing onwards and upwards, yes?

Love.

Jacob's Story

http://vimeo.com/31795904

Especially for men! A picture of human trafficking, sexual exploitation, and redemption: from trafficker to rescuer. Like this says: we need more than laws, behavior modification, programs... we need those things temporarily, but what we REALLY need are radically changed hearts. And again, there is one Light in this present darkness that has the power to shine so brightly that it overcomes.

Jesus, transform us!

If Only I Would Be the Light

I'm angry. Not maliciously, uncontrollably, nor negatively angry. But I'm angry like I think God's angry.

I watched TV while I made myself lunch, and I watched a show on the sex trafficking of underaged girls in our nation's capitol. The information was not new to me: freshman year at Pepperdine, the idea that "slavery still exists" shocked me. It can't be true, as my mother said. Someone would have done something about it. Who would allow this to be happening? Our International Justice Mission (IJM) club, convocations, speakers, books, documentaries, volunteering with anti-human trafficking organizations, and an internship with the OC Human Trafficking Task Force have educated me since. I know that the average age of entry into the sex industry in America is 12-14. I know that many pimps are mind-control masters, and that words couldn't do justice to the incredible manipulation that I've seen footage of. I know that there are hundreds upon hundreds of brothels in the city of Los Angeles alone. The darkness is not just "there", it's here.

So the information was not new, and it's not the point of this entry. I would love to talk sometime, about the facts and what I've learned and what I've seen and what we should do... Because I want to know where we go from here. Sometimes I feel like it's easy for me to say, I'm passionate about human trafficking, I'm passionate about justice, I'm passionate about the poor, the helpless, the oppressed, the marginalized... and for it to sound like I'm talking about a hobby or a resumé item. But it's so much more than that. It's got to be...

Because I understand why God is a God of wrath, and a jealous God. How could the God of Love not be? Lives are being stolen. Freedom is denied. People are held in so many kinds of shackles, so many kinds of darkness, and as we are memorizing in the Sermon on the Mount, we are the light of the world. God is angry and God is heartbroken and there is darkness but the light has come and the light is coming and the darkness cannot overcome it. This is more than an "interest", this is my life. Because I've seen darkness: I've seen a girl escorted out of a brothel, thrown into the trunk of a car, and violently driven around as a form of intimidation and punishment on a school night in Los Angeles. But I've also seen that there's no darkness so deep that it's beyond the reach of Christ:

"How was India?" They would ask. "What did you learn?"

Even given hours I didn't know how to put words to what I'd experienced: what its like to look into the smiling eyes of a grateful leper and know it's you who should be thanking them, to have five orphan girls holding onto your hands and waist and feel like your heart might burst of love, to clap hands in worship with elderly widows who'd been thrown away to die and now knew the love of Christ... So I'd say this:

"If there's one thing in India, I think that it's how unbelievably good and bright Jesus is. Because I saw more poverty and darkness than I'd ever witnessed before. I prayed for girls in the redlight district, and I saw the deadness and the shame in their eyes, I felt the hopelessness as we stood outside the Hindu temple that the prostitutes visited. We had a woman ask us to pray that she would get pregnant, and we later found out it was because she hoped for a girl to raise as a prostitute to take care of her when she could no longer work.

And I also visited Ashraya: a home at Harvest India for girls who are rescued out of the redlight district, shown the love of Christ, and taught to sew and support themselves. Many of these girls were sold at age 10, 11, 12, and forced so service an average of 20 men a night. I know how traumatic and life-stealing one episode of sexual assault can be, the fear and shame of being molested, seen the brokenness after rape. Those things are so very real. So I thought, even if you rescued these girls after a few years, isn't the best you could hope for to be to get them out of their environment and let them exist without being harmed? To have experienced that much darkness...

And then I met the girls. And we sat on the floor in our punjabis in a room with "She is clothed in strength and dignity..." painted on the walls in two languages, and I was blown away: somehow, they were quite possibly the most pure, innocent girls I'd ever met. We couldn't speak each other's language, but we grasped each others hands and touched each others faces and we smiled and we laughed. They blushed and giggled in delight at attention and we prayed and we cried... so much of India felt like I was watching it happen to someone else, but that is one of the most real moments of my life. To know about and fight against human trafficking, to see and feel the darkness firsthand, to expect to meet the victims and encounter Jesus...

Because there is no other explanation for that. No other possibility, no answer. Even if they had been "rescued" from their lives, you would expect to find broken, empty shells with empty eyes. But to see them restored, clothed in strength and dignity, shining, laughing, loving; full of grace and hope, redeemed... That is Jesus. That is Christ. There is darkness, and He shines all the brighter.

Is my heart breaking for what breaks God's? Am I angry when I should be angry? Am I following Jesus and bringing that hope to this world in desperate need? If Christ is in me, if I am to act as His body and there is still so much darkness but He is radiant and He touched people and loved tangibly and He is hope and my life is the Lord's, I must ask... Am I touching, am I loving, am I shining? Because I want to see some darkness shattered and blown away.

"The Light shines in the darkness,

and the darkness can never overcome it."

-John 1:5

"With their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground..."

Reminded me about what we talked about this weekend, about the connections between learning something and applying it, between the revelation of something (like Christ's love) and living that out tangibly in our lives

Health, Grace, and Asking

I don’t know how to make my health history concise enough for a readable blog post (being concise is not one of my fortes). Quick basics: I was diagnosed with type-1 diabetes when I was 10, and around puberty things started go haywire and it stopped being “manageable”. It’s lead to a whole plethora of other conditions, many of which remain undiagnosed in spite of a batteries of tests… and as much as part of me wants to explain, the point of this post isn’t to detail my medical history, but rather to express my current state.

[I’m not at all opposed to talking about them or explaining for anyone who cares, so please ask me if you’d like to know more at any point.]

I will begin by saying that I am abundantly blessed and have been given more than I could ever ask for. I know that life isn't "fair", but not because I lack: rather, in the grand scheme of things, the scales lean heavily in favor of "grace" in my life. But right now I'm in pain and I'm struggling, and that's real. So in danger of being "messy", here we go:

I’m tired, and I hurt. I feel discouraged. Over the years, fear, hopelessness, and addiction lead me to “give up” and sometimes try to ignore my physical body and the issues that I should have been caring for. It was just easier to escape to the spiritual and mental realms, which have always felt natural to me instead of to engage with the pain and fear that I was dealing with in my physical body. The weight gain that came along with the issues (combined with other social factors, of course) led me to develop an eating disorder called “diabulimia” [which will likely be it’s own post at some point, but see here if you’re curious: http://life.salon.com/2007/11/08/diabulimia/ ], which only deepened and worsened the cycle. Praise God, He brought healing and freed me from that hell of a prison!

After years of yo-yoing up and down, back and forth, getting better and regressing, I finally decided that it was time for a new phase in my life several months ago. Yes, much of what’s gone on with my body has been beyond my control and wasn’t asked for, but sometimes I didn’t do everything I could to take care of myself. I acknowledge that I am precious to God, and my body is a part of Jesus’ body. I wept and decided to take care of myself the same way I would as if I was caring for the body of Christ himself, because isn’t that essentially what I’m doing? God may choose to take me from this planet early. He may choose to give me conditions that limit my physical capabilities. But if I am limited physically, it won’t be because I didn’t do everything in my power to be well. If my life is short, it will be because He wants me Home sooner, not because of any neglect on my part.

So yay! Being back home and graduated, I dedicated the full measure of my energy to the pursuit of health in all areas. And I improved! Seeing my doctor multiple times a week, taking scrupulous notes, eating super clean… I improved enough that my doctor said I could start exercising more and developing physical strength again. I love working out! I just feel so much better when I do. My energy was great, I felt mentally alert, my hair stopped coming out in handfuls, my chronic inflamation went down, and being emotionally and mentally healthy suddenly came naturally instead of requiring constant prayer and concentrated effort...

Oh, my physical ailments also effect my mental and emotional health. Uncontrolled blood sugar inhibits serotonin (which makes you feel good) production in the brain and leads to chemical depression. Two of my conditions both list “emotional instability, outbursts of anger, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and mental fogginess” as symptoms… hahaha. Sounds like a prescription commercial, doesn’t it? Most of the time I felt like I kept these things “under control”, but my family and those closest to me got the worst of it (as is often the case), and I didn’t realize how much it had been affecting me until I improved… my parents said they had their sweet Jazzy back, and I was happy almost all of the time, instead of just on occasion! Although I think I'm a generally cheerful person and I really hate masks, I was quite sad most of the time for many years. Even good friends who never thought I had a problem commented on how well I seemed to be doing. I think that emotional stability is primarily a spiritual issue, and God has brought so much healing into my life in that arena, but feeling cruddy all the time makes it hard to be the peaceful, self-controlled delight that I would like to be (and who I believe God wants me to be!)

So if it got better, why this post? Well, I’ve hit a bit of an obstacle. I’m still working at taking care of my body, but I don’t feel very good. I’ve been in copious amounts of pain the past couple weeks, pain so bad that it’s very hard to sleep at night and function during the day. While I was just telling someone the other day that I was pleased to learn that I could still be stable, pleasant, and consistent with my family in spite of the pain, I’m now feeling the effects of the pain get to me. It’s hard not to snap. It's hard to control my emotional urges, and keep sharpness out of my voice when I feel frustrated. I feel discouraged: the constant effort and sacrifices wouldn’t be a problem if they left me feeling good, having good test results, or at least seeing some improvement! But to keep trying and feel worse and not looking much different… it makes me feel like giving up sometimes. But I know that won’t help either, so I just feel stuck.

First and foremost, I’m asking for prayer: prayer for strength to keep going, wisdom to know what’s going on and what to do, relief of pain, and perhaps above all, GRACE: Grace that is sufficient enough to help me be the person I am created to be and shine for God no matter what the circumstances or how I’m feeling.

But I think I also want to be bold: “healing” has been a touchy subject for me, since growing up I felt like I must not have enough faith—otherwise, I wouldn’t be sick, right? Type 1 Diabetes is technically an incurable disease, and I don't even know what else is wrong with me, but nothing is impossible for God, right? I prayed and prayed to be better, have more faith, cried apologies for all the ways I'd fallen short… and ended up weeping outside of a faith-healing conference at 13, deciding that healing was not meant for me, and that it was a notion best pushed aside so that I could function without guild and feelings of unworthiness.

I don’t believe that my sickness is due to my lack of faith. I think that God has His purpose, and has been growing me, teaching me, strengthening me… But I want to be healed. At the very least, I want to be able to manage my conditions. I don’t want to be held back from living life to it’s FULLEST. I don’t want to waste days lying in bed because I feel like I can’t get up, having a hard time getting things accomplished, and feeling emotionally depleted and exhausted, and falling asleep while I’m trying to read my Bible or journal. I don't want to avoid going on a Hollywood sign hike with my Cirlces group because I don't know what kind of day it will be for my body, and I'm scared that I'll end up being a burden or holding people back. I want to be FULL OF LIFE. I don’t want all my energy to be spent merely functioning, I want my energy to go into loving God and people, serving others, praising the Lord, and being a part of His Kingdom here on earth! That is what I want. So I am boldly going to ask that, if it’s the will of God, you would pray that my body would be fully, miraculously healed.

Jesus healed. Jesus came that we would have life, and have it to the full. I believe that He can heal me… and whatever part of me doesn’t, help me to overcome my disbelief! Perhaps He wills that His grace is sufficient in spite of my ailments, and whatever the case may be, I want to go on serving Him without bitterness and without condemnation that it’s because I “lack faith”. But at the same time, if I “have not”, I don’t want it to be because I “asked not”. So, this is me asking.

For anyone who read this far, thank you so much for your patience and support : )

Let us come boldly to the Throne of Grace...